Year in Review: People I've Offended

Since my last blog post, my inbox has been flooded with stupid emails telling me how "rude" I've been and how "harsh" my criticism of others can be. Some people didn't particularly like the poetry I shared in my last post, calling it "insensitive" and "crass." Albeit, it's not my best poetic work, but I won't take back anything I said about Good Charlotte.

Is this a fair assessment of my blog? I've thus decided to "christen" my blog's one year anniversary by taking a genuine look back at some of its major milestones and accomplishments. Take a journey back in time with me, and let's have a look.

Fig.1


It should be clear that overlapping does occur in Fig.1, and lines are often blurred between groups. In order to make this more clear, let's take a look at the numbers:

Fig.2


So, with this past year in perspective. Fig.2 makes it clear that I've offended quite a few more people than I initially projected, which is okay; it's been a rough fiscal year. I guess I underestimated how sensitive and touchy people can be. To further my point:

Fig.3


So yes, it is a fair assessment. The reason I'm not worried about all this criticism is the mere fact that, over the course of history, there have been numerous examples of people who have been hated for the message they preached. Take for example 50 Cent, Martin King Luther Jr, Roger Goodell, Michael Caine, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman, Ronaldinho, Abe Lincoln, Betsy Ross, Walt Disney, Billy Mays, God, and even James Cameron. If I am to be included in such a category, surrounded by such fine Americans, then I am thus comforted.



Having made this clear, let me therefore apologize to all mankind. But wait, if I apologize to mankind, then women will be offended that I didn't apologize to womenkind. So you know what, screw it; I rescind my apology altogether; here's to another offensive year for everyone.

Cheers!

Dragons Part 10

Time to sit down, shut up, man up, and read this junk. If you even have a shred of intelligence and self respect you'll actually care about what I have to say. If not, well, you'll probably just go back to watching Antiques Roadshow reruns, eating fish and being a total loser like that guy from Lord of the Rings. What was his name? Orlando Bloom?

As you all know, I just love searching the web for useless and totally unprofessional websites that deal with dragons. I love dragons. They are woven into the silken fabric of my soul. Sometimes it makes me want to sing about them.

If you believed me just then you are an idiot. Dragons are amazing, yes; but let's not get carried away. Everybody knows only girls and theater geeks know how to sing. Unfortunately, some people actually do write poetry in honor of dragons. You can probably see where this is going. Follow this link if you want to wish the internet had never been created:

DRAGON WORLD

Now, if you're some emo dork with a guitar and you're thinking to yourself, "what's so bad about poetry? Poetry is the heart's most beautiful expression. Haiku's are like my bffs. lolz." you need to stop reading this blog, now. Not even I can help you. And everyone knows you can't play guitar.

At every turn I'm confronted by terrible, weird, teenage expressions like "knifing through the thermals" and "reaching for the yesterdays" and "the whispering fires" and even "the mists of time." What is this? The track listing of a talentless Scream-o band from Jersey?

Furthermore, the author insinuates that dragons lay eggs in the sand (see his wonderful poem "Hatchling" for details). But who ever said dragons lay their eggs in the sand? Most dragons don't even live near beaches, unless it is a naturally defended strand with cliffed surroundings, in which case they would lay their eggs in the natural protection of the cliffs themselves (compare to the habits of most cliff-dwelling eagles).

Let's observe some of this heinous junk:

Little dragon's tooth, Peaking through a crack, The shell is coming undone.

Nowadays it seems like you can assemble any mixture of words in any particular order, without any sort of pattern or rhyme scheme and call it "poetry." This website isn't so much poetry as it is sucky words that got put next to each other and then multiplied in suckiness. Also, "peeking" is spelled wrong, come on man.

And again:

With wings spread wide, Riding through the thermals, And those same leathery wings, Knifing into puffy clouds of purity.

What the frick is this crap? "Puffy clouds of purity?" This belongs on a long-forgotten episode of Rainbow Brite, not a dragon website, dang it.

In conclusion, I'd like to end with some "poetry" of my own. Eh hem...

Dragons are sweet,
Dragons are cool,
Painting your fingernails black
isn't. And you're just a tool.
Good Charlotte sucks.

One final word to emo kids: If this is your facebook profile pic, you have issues. But nobody actually wants to hear about them.

Dragons Part 9

Observe: Ulisse Aldrovandi.

To most people, this guy just looks pretty much like Copernicus or Galileo or someone who lived like forever ago and made some sort of discovery we take for granted today. To me, this guy not only lived forever ago, but he was also a giant douche pot. That's right, I said that; and no, I don't regret it; and no, I haven't been drinking.

Ulisse Aldrovandi (note his weird name), an Italian (note his weird country of origin), wrote the first book specifically on dragons in the "modern era." Whoever considers the year 1640 the "modern era" is an idiot, but regardless, he did publish a gay and useless book once upon a time entitled Historia serpentum et draconum ("Natural History of Serpents and Dragons").

Aldrovandi (note again his weird name) claimed to have been the first to "scientifically" diagram, accurately proportionate and definitively illustrate dragons text-book style. Here's what he came up with:
Really. Really? That's what you come up with? That is NOT a dragon, its just a FAT snake with stubby arms and a stupid head! That's really all it is. At the time of its publication, people hailed this as a brilliant discovery, and they said "Oh Ulisse! What a mean-looking dragon! You're a genius!" He's not a genius, and he couldn't even speak English. He was, possibly, the first real enemy of the beautiful, mystical world of dragon lore. Personally, I hate the guy.

Want more proof that this guy was a total blubber muffin? That should just about be evidence enough that this guy wasn't so much trying to realistically document dragons as he was designing early concepts for Star Wars: Episode VI.

I want to use this opportunity to make a point, that just because some guy from Italy wrote some book in some language like forever ago, doesn't mean that it's worth reading, or worth anything for that matter. I wish I could bring Aldrovandi back from the dead just so he could apologize to me for this crap and for all the stress I've had to deal with as a result of his dumb publication.

Is Aldrovandi really Italy's "Father of Zoology" as many scholars claim? Probably not; in reality, he was just another quack who lost his mind and died of dropsy.

Dragons Part 8

Hey People, I found another stupid dragon website and wanted nothing more than to share with you the usual cynicism that I feel about mostly every website concerning dragons these days.

http://www.crystalinks.com/dragons.html

Under the first GAY picture (which, if you recall, in a former blog post, I delightfully ripped into), there's a link to "share this" on Facebook. Needless to say, I won't be sharing it with anyone in good conscience. Honestly, it would be like giving someone a dead dog and telling them they can keep it. Son of a gun.

1. First brilliant statement: "Dragons and snakes are symbols for human DNA." No, actually, dragons are, well, DRAGONS. A double helix would be the symbol for human DNA you anal aperture.

2. Let's also ponder this worthless contribution: "The farther it goes from China, the more toes it loses. Hence, when it reached Korea it only had four toes and by the time it got to Japan it only had three. This also explains why it never made it to Europe or the Americas in that by the time it got that far it had lost all of its toes and could not walk. " This is complete BUTT CRAP. When you go for a walk, do you lose toes? Do they fall off just randomly? Look, toes aren't like Razor phones- they don't just fall apart and explode unexpectedly.

3. Here we go again: "The monster was believed to be the result of the unnatural union of an eagle and a she-wolf." Apart from these two animals being incompatible in ways not hard to realize, you would probably not get a dragon even if you mated these two. And who uses the term "she-wolf" anymore? This guy is a complete nutter.

4. "Misers can assume the form of dragons by constantly gloating over their treasure. " They...don't. The last time I've seen this happen was the Chronicles of Narnia.

5. The straw that broke the camel's back on this website was the fact that one of the links at the bottom of the page takes you to a website entitled "PSYCHIC READING WITH ELLIE." That'll about do it for me. This website is, and always has been, a joke.

It's been a while folks! I've been on a writing leave, obviously doing SERIOUS research for a few books I plan on publishing within the year. Please feel free to email me with SERIOUS questions about dragons. But really, be serious. Don't numb my wits. It won't take me long to realize if you're a idiot or not.

On a note of separate importance: The new Harry Potter movie is set for November. Personally, all this Avada Kedavra and Alohomora Hogwarts hogwash confuses me. I wish I had someone like Rob Pattinson to explain it all. He used to be in those movies until he went and got himself killed mid-Quidditch Season.
Fool of a Took.

Dragons Part 7

After work, everday, I have to come home and do more research for my next seven publications. Unfortunately, that also means I have to investigate and study a lot of crap and stuff that, in retrospect, I really wish I didn't have to look at. The next few images are some examples of these!


Fig. 1 "Blue-Tiger-Fairy-White-Hair-Starry-Night Dragon" Yeah, because dragons' wings actually look like deep space. You idiot. Notice also the flowing mane of white hair. This may come as a shock, but dragons aren't people. They don't grow hair, they don't watch American Idol and they don't eat Betty Crocker heart-smart microwaveable meals (which are delicious by the way). They don't listen to the Dixie Chicks and they don't talk in British English. They do have an affinity for Virginville, PA though. JK. LOLZ.




Fig. 2 "Untitled; Mostly Because It's not Me Worth Taking the Time to Think of a Title" Okay, so here's what appears to be the scenario: weird hawk-man and cheetah-girl are staring over the cliff getting ready to do something stupid and science-fiction-like, when I notice the dragon behind them whose bluish scaletone, yellow underbelly and suprasternal depiction make me want to laugh. But then I notice the sword that hawk-man is holding, and I think to myself, "Woah, these guys are serious." Whoever drew this needs to stop drawing and just keep playing Magic cards and living in thier parents' basement.




Fig. 3 "Ball-Holding Dragon" What's the obsession with dragons always holding orbs?? I hate this. It's like, just because people are clueless as to what dragons actually look like or how they act they give them random things to hold. Like, "I'm not really sure what dragons did, but I'm pretty sure they held glass orbs in their hands and stuff." Cut me a break! You idiot.






Fig. 4 "Unibrow-Idiot Dragon" Notice that this image is copyrighted. Yeah copyrighted. Who in their right mind would actually want their name associated with this atrocity?? And worse, who would actually want to steal it and use it? As if this drawing could tell us anything about dragons, other than that they have tapeworms on their faces.









Fig. 5 "Baby Dragon Reading a Book" This is cute- for a hideous work of art that is tasteless and gay.







I hope everyone reading this can get an understanding for why I live the majority of my life pissed off and indoors. These drawing are offensive and mildly racist.

Dragons Part 6

This is another special installment on dragons. You know, with all the crap floating like debris in the cesspool of internet junk and crap, it was only a matter of time before terrible renditions and inaccurate pictures of dragons began to surface amidst the flotsam and jetsam. Today, I'm going examine some of these pictures and pretty much tell you why they suck so bad. No one is safe, not today. I'm pissed.



Fig #1: "Jurassic Park Bat-Thing" Look at this, it looks like something you'll see in Jurassic Park 5. Dragons NEVER have three claws, and a wing ligament connecting the hand to the shoulder would make it impossible to ever fully extend in flight. And also, what kind of pose is this? If this is what it looks like when dragons try to run then I hate them.






Fig #2: "Fifth-Grader-Sucky-Terrible-Artist Dragon" This is one of the most effing embarrassing things to happen to the dragon world since Bowser from Super Mario.





Fig #3: "Hieroglyphic Piece of Sh--" Well, it seems not even the Egyptians had a clue about dragons. Even though this carving comes from the tomb of Hatshepsut (1508–1458 BC), it still looks like they crossed Legolas with and anaconda and then threw some wings on it. Doesn't work that way. And then there's that guy on the left wearing a shawl, trying to like stab Legolas-anaconda-angel with a flower or something. Weird.



Fig #4: "Sock Puppet Dragon" Whatever pre-schooler is responsible for this gets a big effing timeout, for eternity.







Fig #5: "Ming Dynasty Flying-Old-Man-Bird-Owl-Thing" Remember how I said no one was safe, I meant it. And not even the Chinese are safe today. This really sucks. I mean, really, this is bad. If I saw this dragon flying in mid-air I would throw up.




So there you have it. This is the tip of the iceberg that floats in the cesspool of internet garbage relating to dragons. Hope it was informative.

Dragons Part 5

Listen people: there are some very avid readers of this blog out there (see picture on left) and I want to make sure I cover the most pressing and important information with them, so as to never leave anyone uninformed. It's now widely understood that this blog has effectively become the "Pulse Weekly" of the blogging world. Therefore, this is going to be an important post about an even importanter topic. I've received numerous emails and been asked countless times "what do dragons eat?" Today, I'm going to examine several different answers that I've heard/encountered. Are you ready? I don't give a crap. Here they are.

1. Sheep. NO. Dragons don't eat sheep. Everyone knows dragons don't eat effing sheep. Believe it or not, sheep wool contains a natural chemical called lanolin that hinders the production of helium (internal to dragons), in turn hindering dragons' flight capabilities.

2. One person ("Nookey", member since June 4, 2006) on Yahoo answers said, "It depends if they are carnivorous or herbivorous." You're an idiot Nookey. There's no such thing as a herbivorous dragon and I honestly wish they would find you and eat you and save us all the trouble of reading to your terrible answers.

3. Magical foods. Hilarious.

4. Another person on Yahoo answers ("Raevens'Honey", member since July 20, 2006) said, and I quote, "My 7 yr.old grand daughter says they love dragon berries." News flash: Your granddaughter is an idiot. This is exactly why I stopped listening to 7 year-olds a long time ago.

5. Bad dreams. Dragons don't eat them, because it's impossible. Fool. That's what dream catchers are for.

6. Peasants. What is this the dark ages? Though humans certainly are prey for dragons, dragons do not restrict themselves to human systems of social classification/stratification by which they identify such prey.

7. Ashes. Yeah, somebody ("Dougalicious," another moron Yahoo answers user since August 28, 2006) thinks they eat ashes. If I had a nickle for every time I wanted to punch Dougalicious in the face for this answer, I would have one big effing nickle. Apart from this being just blatantly, obviously stupid, ashes contain no nutritional benefits of any sort.

8. Rob Pattinson. I can only hope so.

9. The old man from "The Old Man and the Sea." Again, I can't deny that dragons love to eat humans, but this goes a bit too far. Hemingway (and dragons) deserve better; this is a mockery. And whoever sent me this suggestion is a quack.

10. Cabbage. Nope.

11. Virgins. I won't deny that this is a possibility, yet there is no conclusive scientific evidence to support the theory. (On a separate note, come visit Virginville PA this summer!)
12. "Dragons don't eat anything, they use the light of the moon to produce energy." Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. This. This is brilliant. Is anyone else hearing this!? This is an incredible hypothesis. Give me another nickle 'cause I want to punch Dougalicious one more time because I wasted my time reading this crap called someone's thoughts.

So there. These are just a few theories people have sent me recently. Most of them are stupid and ridiculous and crap. Dragons mostly eat livestock and animals of substantial body-fat index. It's not really that complicated. Stop sending me emails.