The Dragons of Game of Thrones

So everyone and their stoned neighbor has been watching HBO's Game of Thrones lately.  Despite the explicit content, unnecessary sex scenes, and misplaced castration jokes, it's actually a pretty good watch.  Even I'll admit I got through its three seasons faster than Rob Pattinson lost his acting career.

But enough with the stupid pleasantries.  Let's get down to what really matters: the dragons.  Yeah, there are dragons in Game of Thrones, and like every other dumb author these days, George R.R. Lucas has no idea what he's talking about.  If it's true that "a Lannister always pays his debts," then George, there's gonna be hell to pay for this one.

The first time we are introduced to just how wrong everything is is when we merely see the dragon eggs.  My Pacific Rim practically exploded when I caught a glimpse of these things...because they have scales on them.  Yeah, scales.  I guess some bundt munch concept designer thought that because dragons have scales, their eggs must have scales too, right?  Let me ask you: do birds lay feathery eggs?  Are fish eggs covered with fins and gills?  Does Kim Kardashian lay stupid eggs? (bad example) The point is that dragons don't lay scaly eggs.  Their eggs do have a very thick shell, and a rather thick embryonic membrane compared to other reptiles.  But no dumb scales.  NO.

The next thing that Nicholases my Cage is that the eggs hatch when they are placed in fire.  Again, another live-at-home HBO geek screenwriter probably said, "well hey, dragons, like, breathe fire and stuff, so I guess their eggs should, like, hatch out of fire or something.  Like, how cray cray would that be?!  Hey mom, toss me a hot pocket, bro!  Lolz!"  Hate to break it to you idiots, but the maternal incubation process is as common to dragons as it is to any other egg-laying animal.

And what's with baby dragons always looking like tiny lizards??  I've had it with this cute, cuddly, baby dragon B.S.  Baby dragons are not cute.  You can't cuddle with them.  They are born equipped to kill you.  The genus on record with the smallest known progeny is serpentus cosiriilis found near Modra, Slovakia.  Young can be 5ft. long at the time of hatching, and can weigh up to 300lbs.  The Middle English saying got it right: "So ever coddles wythe a dragynne, coddle he wythe his ende."

Next, the dragons begin to grow and are "harnessed" by some chick with a chain.  As if dragons can actually be "controlled" and "subdued" by people.  This is a major fallacy that began with that gay movie "How to Train Your Dragon." It seems to indicate that dragons are largely misunderstood creatures, and that they're actually tenderhearted and kind, and that you can keep them as pets, and work together as a team to save the day, high five!  I guarantee if that little girl got within 700 yards of a real dragon, she'd be going down his gullet faster than Sean Bean's head rolled off the chopping block.

So how do I wrap up this disaster?  Well, my girlfriend is always telling me to "Look for the good in things once in a while."  And while I pretty much hate positive thinking, and I spread cynicism on my Pillsbury Toaster Strudels every morning for breakfast, I guess I'll take her advice for once.

Really, the only good thing about the dragons in Game of Thrones is that they actually kill people.  Remember that scene from Harry Potter, where four dragons are placed in an arena surrounded by bleachers filled with 5,000 screaming idiot kids...and no one died?  The depiction of dragons in GoT is bad, but at least it's not that bad.  I gotta say I was happy to see even just one doof get torched in season three.

Overall score: C...for Cersei.