Dragons Part 5

Listen people: there are some very avid readers of this blog out there (see picture on left) and I want to make sure I cover the most pressing and important information with them, so as to never leave anyone uninformed. It's now widely understood that this blog has effectively become the "Pulse Weekly" of the blogging world. Therefore, this is going to be an important post about an even importanter topic. I've received numerous emails and been asked countless times "what do dragons eat?" Today, I'm going to examine several different answers that I've heard/encountered. Are you ready? I don't give a crap. Here they are.

1. Sheep. NO. Dragons don't eat sheep. Everyone knows dragons don't eat effing sheep. Believe it or not, sheep wool contains a natural chemical called lanolin that hinders the production of helium (internal to dragons), in turn hindering dragons' flight capabilities.

2. One person ("Nookey", member since June 4, 2006) on Yahoo answers said, "It depends if they are carnivorous or herbivorous." You're an idiot Nookey. There's no such thing as a herbivorous dragon and I honestly wish they would find you and eat you and save us all the trouble of reading to your terrible answers.

3. Magical foods. Hilarious.

4. Another person on Yahoo answers ("Raevens'Honey", member since July 20, 2006) said, and I quote, "My 7 yr.old grand daughter says they love dragon berries." News flash: Your granddaughter is an idiot. This is exactly why I stopped listening to 7 year-olds a long time ago.

5. Bad dreams. Dragons don't eat them, because it's impossible. Fool. That's what dream catchers are for.

6. Peasants. What is this the dark ages? Though humans certainly are prey for dragons, dragons do not restrict themselves to human systems of social classification/stratification by which they identify such prey.

7. Ashes. Yeah, somebody ("Dougalicious," another moron Yahoo answers user since August 28, 2006) thinks they eat ashes. If I had a nickle for every time I wanted to punch Dougalicious in the face for this answer, I would have one big effing nickle. Apart from this being just blatantly, obviously stupid, ashes contain no nutritional benefits of any sort.

8. Rob Pattinson. I can only hope so.

9. The old man from "The Old Man and the Sea." Again, I can't deny that dragons love to eat humans, but this goes a bit too far. Hemingway (and dragons) deserve better; this is a mockery. And whoever sent me this suggestion is a quack.

10. Cabbage. Nope.

11. Virgins. I won't deny that this is a possibility, yet there is no conclusive scientific evidence to support the theory. (On a separate note, come visit Virginville PA this summer!)
12. "Dragons don't eat anything, they use the light of the moon to produce energy." Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. This. This is brilliant. Is anyone else hearing this!? This is an incredible hypothesis. Give me another nickle 'cause I want to punch Dougalicious one more time because I wasted my time reading this crap called someone's thoughts.

So there. These are just a few theories people have sent me recently. Most of them are stupid and ridiculous and crap. Dragons mostly eat livestock and animals of substantial body-fat index. It's not really that complicated. Stop sending me emails.