The Dragons of Harry Potter Part 3

Well just dammit. Here I am again talking about how dumb and stupid Harry Potter is for its portrayal of dragons for the last effing time. Heaven knows I'd rather french kiss Hagrid in the Astronomy Tower than talk about this topic any further, but due to the overwhelming flood of owls I've received asking me to continue on with this crap, I'm pretty much obligated at this point.


5. The "Ukrainian Ironbelly"

I thought everyone knew that the belly of a dragon is its most sensitive area! Sometimes I forget that most people are really just dumb morons. Calling it an "Ironbelly" is a slight misappropriation of poetic freedom.

I also have to point out that the coloration of this dragon is more of what you might find north of Ukraine. Dragons native to the Carpathian Mountain Range are usually of brown or even yellowish/green/gray skin tone.

In the books, this dragon is the one that Harry, Her-mini-me and Ron ride on to escape some sort of danger or something. Cause that makes sense. Getting on the back of a dragon to avoid danger. Dragons aren't horses. You don't just saddle-up and go rodeo. The last known account of someone trying to actually ride a dragon dates back to 1780, when Kentigern Donnach, of Kilgarvan, Ireland, made a bet that he could remain mounted on the back of an Irish Niallghas for a complete 10 seconds. The entire village of Ballybunnion was in attendance to watch the feat. Kentigern made it all the way to the base of the dragon's cliff dwelling when his head was ripped so far off his body it was discovered three days later near Glenacarney, County Cork...40km and 2 counties southeast. (See map.)

And get this, in the books, this dragon is also said to be ALBINO. An albino dragon. Really. The day I see an albino dragon is the day I saw my own legs off with the Sword of Gryffindor.

All this says is that the "Ukrainian Ironbelly" is like a crap flavored bullion cube being added to an already-butt-flavored dump of stew.

Overall rating: F+ (the + being for some hint of effort)


6. "Norbert" (The "Norwegian Ridgeback")

I don't so much have a problem with the way this dragon looks. Its head is actually well proportioned. The coloration seems fairly accurate. Its wing structure is in close agreement with its body size. Its bi-functional forelegs/wings are a problem (see my previous blog post), but overall, I'm actually impressed with its appearance. (Although I practically dry heaved in my desk chair when I realized THIS is what the LEGO version of "Norbert" looks like.)

The problem I really do have with it is in regards to the fact that, in the books, this dragon is thought to be male when it hatches only later to be discovered as being female.

For those of you home-schooled idiots who have never taken anatomy and are clueless as to the obvious differences between males and females, let's shed some "lumos" on the fact that male and female dragons are so effing easy to tell apart. The explicit differences between male and female dragons is subject for another blog post, another day. All you need to know is that I'm PISSED. So shut up.

Overall rating: B


There you have it. That's my take on the dumb dragons of Harry Potter. But what makes me angrier than the improper portrayal of dragons in this series? It isn't when Hendwink dies. No, it's not Dobby the dipstick house elf. It's not even Robert Pattinson that makes me want to chunder this time. It's the fact that.......well....you know, on second thought it actually is Rob Pattinson.

The Dragons of Harry Potter Part 2

Listen up you dumb morons. I haven't written in quite some time because I have a girlfriend now. I know, it's hard to believe a dragon-enthusiast like myself can actually even relate with members of the opposite sex, but it can sometimes happen. So while I've spent a lot of time shopping at DSW, attending Mary Kay parties, and watching movies with Hugh Grant in them, I've still managed to dedicate some of my hours to researching beloved dragons.

Unfortunately for me, the time I spend researching dragons looks more like devoting myself to tarring and feathering more abhorrent use of dragon imagery in popular culture than it does actually doing research. Honestly Harry! I've been moaning worse than Myrtle writing this blog the past few weeks. Let's (reluctantly) pick up where we left off...

3. The "Common Welsh Green"

Based on similar skull structures, dual cranial horns and maybe its coloration, I think the dragon they were probably trying to convey is Serpentus eminalius (also known as the Highland Horned Serpent). Everyone knows this dragon is way out of proportion though. Its wings are far too small. In fact, the wingspan of the Highland Horned Serpent has been known to reach over 60 feet! Its hind quarters are also too skinny. And based on some negative feedback I received in my last blog, I won't make any more references to Calista Flockhart. But seriously, this dragon is more gaunt than Professor McGonagall in an oversized Hogwarts robe.

Calling it a "common" dragon is also a little misleading. There certainly was a time when dragons were far more globally abundant; but events in the past 1200 years in particular have diminished their numbers dramatically. (The major event being the "Little Ice Age" which roughly lasted from 1560-1855CE. Individually significant drops in global atmospheric temperature, particularly that of 1650 and 1770, contributed heavily to a worldwide population decrease.)

*The argument that I propose against its name is really only a matter of semantics. Therefore the rating I unleash on this piece of crap is based on its visual portrayal alone.

Overall rating: B-


4. The "Hungarian Horntail"

I nearly whomped my willow when I saw this POS on the big screen. Where is its forelegs? There seems to be this growing trend in the scholarly world of dragon research (headed by Lionel Mischke of UNI) that teaches that dragons use their wings bi-functionally- that is, both as wings and as forelegs. Dragons are NOT birds. They ALWAYS have two sets of legs and one pair of wings. Fossil, bone and faunal evidence has NEVER corroborated the idea that dragons lacked forelegs.

I was (amazingly) surprised that the movie-makers managed to depict this dragon's fire-breathing capability rather accurately in that fire is dispensed by means of two glands in a dragon's mouth. The fire that dragons emit does not however, come from the back of the throat, as often believed. The horns that line the dragon's neck are also slightly far-fetched. Even Rita Skeeter knows that you idiot.

Overall rating: C-


The thing that kills me about this whole portrayal of dragons in Harry Potter is that dragons are meant to look "beatable." As if they can be defeated. As if a bumbling, 13-year old, broom-straddling bundt munch is actually going to outwit a dragon. I'd rather choke on a chocolate frog than think about this subject any more.

**If you haven't read the books let me just spoil it for you and get it over with: Gandalf is gay, Neville dies and Bruce Willis is dead the whole time. Spoiler alert, you dimbos. The end.