Dragons Part 8

Hey People, I found another stupid dragon website and wanted nothing more than to share with you the usual cynicism that I feel about mostly every website concerning dragons these days.

http://www.crystalinks.com/dragons.html

Under the first GAY picture (which, if you recall, in a former blog post, I delightfully ripped into), there's a link to "share this" on Facebook. Needless to say, I won't be sharing it with anyone in good conscience. Honestly, it would be like giving someone a dead dog and telling them they can keep it. Son of a gun.

1. First brilliant statement: "Dragons and snakes are symbols for human DNA." No, actually, dragons are, well, DRAGONS. A double helix would be the symbol for human DNA you anal aperture.

2. Let's also ponder this worthless contribution: "The farther it goes from China, the more toes it loses. Hence, when it reached Korea it only had four toes and by the time it got to Japan it only had three. This also explains why it never made it to Europe or the Americas in that by the time it got that far it had lost all of its toes and could not walk. " This is complete BUTT CRAP. When you go for a walk, do you lose toes? Do they fall off just randomly? Look, toes aren't like Razor phones- they don't just fall apart and explode unexpectedly.

3. Here we go again: "The monster was believed to be the result of the unnatural union of an eagle and a she-wolf." Apart from these two animals being incompatible in ways not hard to realize, you would probably not get a dragon even if you mated these two. And who uses the term "she-wolf" anymore? This guy is a complete nutter.

4. "Misers can assume the form of dragons by constantly gloating over their treasure. " They...don't. The last time I've seen this happen was the Chronicles of Narnia.

5. The straw that broke the camel's back on this website was the fact that one of the links at the bottom of the page takes you to a website entitled "PSYCHIC READING WITH ELLIE." That'll about do it for me. This website is, and always has been, a joke.

It's been a while folks! I've been on a writing leave, obviously doing SERIOUS research for a few books I plan on publishing within the year. Please feel free to email me with SERIOUS questions about dragons. But really, be serious. Don't numb my wits. It won't take me long to realize if you're a idiot or not.

On a note of separate importance: The new Harry Potter movie is set for November. Personally, all this Avada Kedavra and Alohomora Hogwarts hogwash confuses me. I wish I had someone like Rob Pattinson to explain it all. He used to be in those movies until he went and got himself killed mid-Quidditch Season.
Fool of a Took.

Dragons Part 7

After work, everday, I have to come home and do more research for my next seven publications. Unfortunately, that also means I have to investigate and study a lot of crap and stuff that, in retrospect, I really wish I didn't have to look at. The next few images are some examples of these!


Fig. 1 "Blue-Tiger-Fairy-White-Hair-Starry-Night Dragon" Yeah, because dragons' wings actually look like deep space. You idiot. Notice also the flowing mane of white hair. This may come as a shock, but dragons aren't people. They don't grow hair, they don't watch American Idol and they don't eat Betty Crocker heart-smart microwaveable meals (which are delicious by the way). They don't listen to the Dixie Chicks and they don't talk in British English. They do have an affinity for Virginville, PA though. JK. LOLZ.




Fig. 2 "Untitled; Mostly Because It's not Me Worth Taking the Time to Think of a Title" Okay, so here's what appears to be the scenario: weird hawk-man and cheetah-girl are staring over the cliff getting ready to do something stupid and science-fiction-like, when I notice the dragon behind them whose bluish scaletone, yellow underbelly and suprasternal depiction make me want to laugh. But then I notice the sword that hawk-man is holding, and I think to myself, "Woah, these guys are serious." Whoever drew this needs to stop drawing and just keep playing Magic cards and living in thier parents' basement.




Fig. 3 "Ball-Holding Dragon" What's the obsession with dragons always holding orbs?? I hate this. It's like, just because people are clueless as to what dragons actually look like or how they act they give them random things to hold. Like, "I'm not really sure what dragons did, but I'm pretty sure they held glass orbs in their hands and stuff." Cut me a break! You idiot.






Fig. 4 "Unibrow-Idiot Dragon" Notice that this image is copyrighted. Yeah copyrighted. Who in their right mind would actually want their name associated with this atrocity?? And worse, who would actually want to steal it and use it? As if this drawing could tell us anything about dragons, other than that they have tapeworms on their faces.









Fig. 5 "Baby Dragon Reading a Book" This is cute- for a hideous work of art that is tasteless and gay.







I hope everyone reading this can get an understanding for why I live the majority of my life pissed off and indoors. These drawing are offensive and mildly racist.

Dragons Part 6

This is another special installment on dragons. You know, with all the crap floating like debris in the cesspool of internet junk and crap, it was only a matter of time before terrible renditions and inaccurate pictures of dragons began to surface amidst the flotsam and jetsam. Today, I'm going examine some of these pictures and pretty much tell you why they suck so bad. No one is safe, not today. I'm pissed.



Fig #1: "Jurassic Park Bat-Thing" Look at this, it looks like something you'll see in Jurassic Park 5. Dragons NEVER have three claws, and a wing ligament connecting the hand to the shoulder would make it impossible to ever fully extend in flight. And also, what kind of pose is this? If this is what it looks like when dragons try to run then I hate them.






Fig #2: "Fifth-Grader-Sucky-Terrible-Artist Dragon" This is one of the most effing embarrassing things to happen to the dragon world since Bowser from Super Mario.





Fig #3: "Hieroglyphic Piece of Sh--" Well, it seems not even the Egyptians had a clue about dragons. Even though this carving comes from the tomb of Hatshepsut (1508–1458 BC), it still looks like they crossed Legolas with and anaconda and then threw some wings on it. Doesn't work that way. And then there's that guy on the left wearing a shawl, trying to like stab Legolas-anaconda-angel with a flower or something. Weird.



Fig #4: "Sock Puppet Dragon" Whatever pre-schooler is responsible for this gets a big effing timeout, for eternity.







Fig #5: "Ming Dynasty Flying-Old-Man-Bird-Owl-Thing" Remember how I said no one was safe, I meant it. And not even the Chinese are safe today. This really sucks. I mean, really, this is bad. If I saw this dragon flying in mid-air I would throw up.




So there you have it. This is the tip of the iceberg that floats in the cesspool of internet garbage relating to dragons. Hope it was informative.

Dragons Part 5

Listen people: there are some very avid readers of this blog out there (see picture on left) and I want to make sure I cover the most pressing and important information with them, so as to never leave anyone uninformed. It's now widely understood that this blog has effectively become the "Pulse Weekly" of the blogging world. Therefore, this is going to be an important post about an even importanter topic. I've received numerous emails and been asked countless times "what do dragons eat?" Today, I'm going to examine several different answers that I've heard/encountered. Are you ready? I don't give a crap. Here they are.

1. Sheep. NO. Dragons don't eat sheep. Everyone knows dragons don't eat effing sheep. Believe it or not, sheep wool contains a natural chemical called lanolin that hinders the production of helium (internal to dragons), in turn hindering dragons' flight capabilities.

2. One person ("Nookey", member since June 4, 2006) on Yahoo answers said, "It depends if they are carnivorous or herbivorous." You're an idiot Nookey. There's no such thing as a herbivorous dragon and I honestly wish they would find you and eat you and save us all the trouble of reading to your terrible answers.

3. Magical foods. Hilarious.

4. Another person on Yahoo answers ("Raevens'Honey", member since July 20, 2006) said, and I quote, "My 7 yr.old grand daughter says they love dragon berries." News flash: Your granddaughter is an idiot. This is exactly why I stopped listening to 7 year-olds a long time ago.

5. Bad dreams. Dragons don't eat them, because it's impossible. Fool. That's what dream catchers are for.

6. Peasants. What is this the dark ages? Though humans certainly are prey for dragons, dragons do not restrict themselves to human systems of social classification/stratification by which they identify such prey.

7. Ashes. Yeah, somebody ("Dougalicious," another moron Yahoo answers user since August 28, 2006) thinks they eat ashes. If I had a nickle for every time I wanted to punch Dougalicious in the face for this answer, I would have one big effing nickle. Apart from this being just blatantly, obviously stupid, ashes contain no nutritional benefits of any sort.

8. Rob Pattinson. I can only hope so.

9. The old man from "The Old Man and the Sea." Again, I can't deny that dragons love to eat humans, but this goes a bit too far. Hemingway (and dragons) deserve better; this is a mockery. And whoever sent me this suggestion is a quack.

10. Cabbage. Nope.

11. Virgins. I won't deny that this is a possibility, yet there is no conclusive scientific evidence to support the theory. (On a separate note, come visit Virginville PA this summer!)
12. "Dragons don't eat anything, they use the light of the moon to produce energy." Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. This. This is brilliant. Is anyone else hearing this!? This is an incredible hypothesis. Give me another nickle 'cause I want to punch Dougalicious one more time because I wasted my time reading this crap called someone's thoughts.

So there. These are just a few theories people have sent me recently. Most of them are stupid and ridiculous and crap. Dragons mostly eat livestock and animals of substantial body-fat index. It's not really that complicated. Stop sending me emails.

Dragons Part 4

Dragons are awesome and incredible. They are also like freaking sweet and crap. I am here to prove it. That's my life's ambition. My dream. It seems like it's other peoples' dream to dream about shattering my dream and then actually going and shattering my dream and being idiots about it and ruin my life in the meantime. Believe it or not, I found another such person doing just that! Hey-o! Congratulations, idiot.

Here's this one's site:

http://www.blackdrago.com/index.html

The website name is "Circle of the Dragon." What is this a cult? I picture the website designer as a middle-aged guy with a black hooded cloak in a room full of creepy candles and skulls. Way to make a good first impression, man.

1. The first brilliant statement I found: "Note that not all dragons have wings, and can still fly." How does this at all make sense? YOU ARE AN IDIOT. Let me just put it out there: dragons are able to fly because they not only have large wings, but they also have four internal gaseous pockets (two near the lungs and two near the diaphragm) that inflates with a hot nitrogenous-helium compound that makes ascent in the air easier. If you're an idiot, just think of a hot air balloon. The mere thought of a snake just flying through mid-air is almost as ridiculous as Rob Pattinson finding work outside of the Twilight series. Good luck with that pal.

2. As I investigated the whole "flying snake" thing, the only evidence I could muster was this brilliant rendition of a "dragon" drawn probably in crayon. I was slightly impressed, until I realized that their drawing was just a ripoff of Pokemon. Watch out for its hyper beam attack, it'll set you back at least 60HP.

3. Oh, get this one. RAINBOW DRAGONS. Yeah, rainbow. So I guess this is supposed to insinuate that dragons are not only on the same playing field as Pokemon, but that they are, also, gay.

4. And then there's this.
Is this supposed to be funny? A dragon at a computer, der dee der. You effing fool. I can tell just by this picture that your entire life is a joke. You have no IDEA how to take dragons seriously and need to just stop.

5. This website is supposedly all about dragons yet they have information on sea serpents. Sea serpents. For the last effing time, sea serpents are NOT dragons. The debate continues, but new evidence based on bone structure, nursing of young and regulation of internal body temperature has led many to classify sea serpents in the amphibia class, unlike dragons, which are members of class reptilia.

Another day, another point proven, and another sucky website that I wasted my time looking at.

Dragons Part 3

I'm pissed. It seems like the more and more I surf the web, the more and more I'm confronted with stupid articles the supposedly share reliable information on dragons. You people who are publishing this crap make me sick. Shut up!

Here's a brilliant example of another website I unfortunately stumbled across:

D.R.A.G.O.N.S.

1. I clicked the little musical box on the front page, expecting to hear like the roar of a dragon or something appropriate to a site dedicated to dragon research, instead I was greeted by a medieval rendition of Greensleeves. I knew immediately this site was probably composed by those losers who hang out a renaissance fairs and wear chain mail and talk about the best way to siege a castle and how hott Richard III was.

2. Apart from its many grammatical errors, it shows a picture of a dragon eating fruit. Fruit. Yeah, that makes sense. You idiot.

3. I almost crapped myself when I saw them describe a "cold/frost breathing" dragon. Have you ever taken biology? When's the last time you saw a reptile in the North Pole? Wait, I have a brilliant idea! Let's make a website and just say whatever we want and make up information and feed it to people in a way that covers the truth and deceives millions of people world-wide. Brilliant.

4. This is really what you call "a late 20th-century dragon???" You juice box.

5. Then I found this wonderful drawing of a dragon on the site. I didn't realize that what constitutes a dragon is an alien head on top of a human body wearing a chastity belt. Sick biceps man.

6. So all in all, another failure of internet nerd-people to deliver proper and useful information about dragons.

On a separate note, Rob Pattinson's new movie came out sometime in the past week. Great accomplishment Rob, we're all proud of you, except me, 'cause i still think you're just a loser with pit stains. Loser.

Dragons Part 2

It's my birthday; hold the applause you idiot. I've decided that, since it's a special day I would blog about something equally special. Did the title give it away? You're an idiot if you haven't guessed by now. It's Dragons.

I recently came across this website during my research for my latest book I'm writing "The Socio-Evolutionary Processes and Purposes of Dragon Culture and Folklore from Post-Gilgamesh Assyria to Neo-Barbaric and Norwegian Europe as seen through Art, Literature and Historic Oral Traditions as Relevant to their Times." Here's the link:

Dragons from around the world
http://library.thinkquest.org/03oct/01993/

1. In my years of research, I've never seen a bigger travesty to the world of dragon information as this. Hey, nice anime picture on the main page. Real professional.

2. I decided to click under the link that says "Ancient Greece" and I was greeted by the website's first brilliant declaration: "The dragons were very mean." Hey thanks, UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE EFFING YEAR. And by the way, what is this? Second grade? Of course dragons are mean, EVERYONE knows that. Here's another understatement: "You suck at describing dragons." Did that get the point across? Shut up!

3. Lochness is not in Spain, nice try.

4. This is the picture they give describing a Spanish dragon.
Hey nice stencil. Really gripping depiction and brutally realistic. If I asked Martha Stewart to draw me a dragon, this is probably what I'd get.

5. Finally, I noticed under the "India" section that the author explicitly describes Indian dragons as "mean and selfish." Oh, okay, so in addition to being just ignorant, you're also, racist. Dragons are NOT mean and selfish, they are beautiful, elegant creatures endowed with powerful predatory features that, yes, force them into fierce opposition to every other creature in the animal kingdom.

So all in all, I want to get the word out there NEVER to use this website; it's clearly not based on reliable material and the pictures are pretty low quality as well.

And then there's Rob Pattinson, who still doesn't know ANYTHING about dragons. You loser.

Dragons

It's been a while since my last blog, this time I've decided to talk about something that I'm deeply passionate about. What is that you ask?

Great question. Answer: Dragons. Deal with it.

It's ridiculous how many people you ask "Are you into dragons?" give you a weird stupid look like you're stupid or weird or something weird like that.

You know what really eggs my nog though? 1. is when people (little kids included) draw pictures of dragons with pointy tails. I mean really? Pointy tails. That's like, almost laughable. Dragons NEVER use their tails to hunt, they rely on deep, inherent predatory skills, stealth, and of course, raw, brute force to engage and overpower their prey. EVERYONE knows tails are only ever used in the defensive shielding of blows (mostly from enemies' claws) and in the incubation of eggs, but NEVER in an offensive manner. The very thought of a dragon using its tail to stab some other animal would be like Sinbad winning an academy award. Re-diculous.

2. Or when Northern European dragons are portrayed with a reddish-scale tone. Unbelievable. EVERYONE knows that they have a grayish-white colouration so as to camouflage themselves particularly in high altitude alpine regions.

Dragons don't look like this you idiot.

3. And then you see RIDICULOUS renditions of dragons in like Harry Potter and Twilight and stupid bothersome movies like that and I'm just like "When are people going to grow up?" Dragons deserve so much more credit than that. Can Rob Pattinson tell you ANYTHING about dragons?
4. No. He's an idiot.

Look, I don't want to come off like a jerk, I just want people to be informed about dragon nature. I wasn't president of the Penn State Altoona Dragon Enthusiasts Society (Est. 1999) for no reason. Listen, I could go on and on and on, but I better just stop now before I get too frustrated with people's ignorance for dragon culture. (*sigh*)

Why a blog?

Great question. Why does anyone need a blog? Who cares? Let me explain.

There is no reason. Really. That's it. There is NO reason for this blog. I don't even really have anything to blog ABOUT.

Question 2: Isn't there another answer?

No. There honestly. Really isn't.

Question 3: Are you stupid or something?

No. There honestly. Really isn't.

Question 4: That's brilliant! Why didn't I think of this??

It's not really that great of an idea. But thank you.

Question 5: Cmon, there's GOT TO be another answer man.

There still isn't.



And that's it! That's my first blog! Expect just a lot of this in the future.