Dragons Part 10

Time to sit down, shut up, man up, and read this junk. If you even have a shred of intelligence and self respect you'll actually care about what I have to say. If not, well, you'll probably just go back to watching Antiques Roadshow reruns, eating fish and being a total loser like that guy from Lord of the Rings. What was his name? Orlando Bloom?

As you all know, I just love searching the web for useless and totally unprofessional websites that deal with dragons. I love dragons. They are woven into the silken fabric of my soul. Sometimes it makes me want to sing about them.

If you believed me just then you are an idiot. Dragons are amazing, yes; but let's not get carried away. Everybody knows only girls and theater geeks know how to sing. Unfortunately, some people actually do write poetry in honor of dragons. You can probably see where this is going. Follow this link if you want to wish the internet had never been created:

DRAGON WORLD

Now, if you're some emo dork with a guitar and you're thinking to yourself, "what's so bad about poetry? Poetry is the heart's most beautiful expression. Haiku's are like my bffs. lolz." you need to stop reading this blog, now. Not even I can help you. And everyone knows you can't play guitar.

At every turn I'm confronted by terrible, weird, teenage expressions like "knifing through the thermals" and "reaching for the yesterdays" and "the whispering fires" and even "the mists of time." What is this? The track listing of a talentless Scream-o band from Jersey?

Furthermore, the author insinuates that dragons lay eggs in the sand (see his wonderful poem "Hatchling" for details). But who ever said dragons lay their eggs in the sand? Most dragons don't even live near beaches, unless it is a naturally defended strand with cliffed surroundings, in which case they would lay their eggs in the natural protection of the cliffs themselves (compare to the habits of most cliff-dwelling eagles).

Let's observe some of this heinous junk:

Little dragon's tooth, Peaking through a crack, The shell is coming undone.

Nowadays it seems like you can assemble any mixture of words in any particular order, without any sort of pattern or rhyme scheme and call it "poetry." This website isn't so much poetry as it is sucky words that got put next to each other and then multiplied in suckiness. Also, "peeking" is spelled wrong, come on man.

And again:

With wings spread wide, Riding through the thermals, And those same leathery wings, Knifing into puffy clouds of purity.

What the frick is this crap? "Puffy clouds of purity?" This belongs on a long-forgotten episode of Rainbow Brite, not a dragon website, dang it.

In conclusion, I'd like to end with some "poetry" of my own. Eh hem...

Dragons are sweet,
Dragons are cool,
Painting your fingernails black
isn't. And you're just a tool.
Good Charlotte sucks.

One final word to emo kids: If this is your facebook profile pic, you have issues. But nobody actually wants to hear about them.