A Treatise On Smaug

A few weeks ago I finally mustered up the gall to watch Peter "Hobbit Hole" Jackson's hilariously awful rendition of "The Hobbit." Let me just say this: I have successfully avoided these piece-of-crap-cash-grab-movies for a long time, but because I got so many stupid emails from people telling me to "please comment on it," I figured I'd take a page out of Michael Bay's book and write something terrible and then pawn it off as passable. Also, mom had to cancel my AOL subscription, so stop emailing me.

I've said this before, but since Hollywood hasn't gotten the message yet, I guess I'm forced to reiterate it. Dragons don't live under mounds of gold. They don't hoard money so that they can feed their secret Louis Vuitton obsession the same way Johnny Depp does. Smaug appears to be a loose depiction of the South American Serpentus Tenonichtlicus, otherwise known by locals as "The High Dweller." They make their homes in the Andes, in hovels expertly created by mounding dirt and mud thickened with saliva. The walls of these shelters are compacted harder than cement, and dragons can construct them faster than a Habitat for Humanity weekend project.

The next thing that made me want to stab myself with a #2 pencil is his eyes. They're stupid. His pupils of course looks like the Eye of Mordor, but that's typically what happens when you're a director with no original ideas left. I get that Peter "Taco Nacho" Jackson was going for a big reveal when Smaug opens his eyes, but in reality, most dragons' eyes resemble that of the common collared lizard. Again, this was made way more complicated than it needs to be.

Why are his teeth so white? Maybe he has a tube of Colgate for Kids + Whitening somewhere in his lair.

And apparently Smaug is from England since he speaks with a British accent. This may come as a surprise, but dragons do not talk. Now, I have never been a fan of Benjamin Cumberdink, and in fact I've tried to get him evicted from his New Jersey apartment on numerous occasions, but this really boiled my chicken broth. Maybe next Smaug will want a cup of Earl Grey. Maybe he'll take a holiday to "foggy London town." Maybe he'll tell you how many kilometers-an-hour he can fly. How dumb. Also, Cumberbun's deep, bumbling, stupid voice nearly blew the cones on my computer speakers, so naturally, I'll be pissy 'til February. Thanks.

Then, Bilbo "Peter Jackson" Baggins actually tricks Smaug and steals some pointless stone from him. No, you can't trick dragons. They are incredibly intelligent, clever creatures who, historically, have adapted surprisingly well to the presence of humans. Maybe Peter "Prequel" Jackson will change this in what will inevitably be an exhausting and completely unnecessary 12-disc, 14-hour expanded edition. Can't wait!

But what really got me was this: Smaug is killed by one arrow. Yeah, one. Not that anyone working on this film has any experience actually fighting a dragon, but you should know that a dragon can't be killed by one arrow. If you tried to shoot a dragon with an arrow, like an idiot, it would literally do nothing other than buy you a one-way ticket down his gullet. This convenient plot device grossly misrepresents dragons' natural strength and tenacity.

On a much lighter and more positive note, I was glad to see Smaug kill a town full of people. I found this to be a very encouraging moment for me in a movie that was largely inaccurate.

Now, I realize this isn't all Peter "CGI" Jackson's fault. These movies are based on Tolkien's book after all...and hey, everyone makes mistakes. Unless you're Rob Pattinson, in which case, you've made a lot of them:

Overall grade: D

P.S. I entreat all filmmakers who wish to depict dragons in their films to please consult me before you begin filming. Unless you want your film to turn out like the mess that was "The Hobbit: A Series of Unfortunate Events," I strongly encourage you to take my advice to heart.