Year in Review: People I've Offended

Since my last blog post, my inbox has been flooded with stupid emails telling me how "rude" I've been and how "harsh" my criticism of others can be. Some people didn't particularly like the poetry I shared in my last post, calling it "insensitive" and "crass." Albeit, it's not my best poetic work, but I won't take back anything I said about Good Charlotte.

Is this a fair assessment of my blog? I've thus decided to "christen" my blog's one year anniversary by taking a genuine look back at some of its major milestones and accomplishments. Take a journey back in time with me, and let's have a look.

Fig.1


It should be clear that overlapping does occur in Fig.1, and lines are often blurred between groups. In order to make this more clear, let's take a look at the numbers:

Fig.2


So, with this past year in perspective. Fig.2 makes it clear that I've offended quite a few more people than I initially projected, which is okay; it's been a rough fiscal year. I guess I underestimated how sensitive and touchy people can be. To further my point:

Fig.3


So yes, it is a fair assessment. The reason I'm not worried about all this criticism is the mere fact that, over the course of history, there have been numerous examples of people who have been hated for the message they preached. Take for example 50 Cent, Martin King Luther Jr, Roger Goodell, Michael Caine, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman, Ronaldinho, Abe Lincoln, Betsy Ross, Walt Disney, Billy Mays, God, and even James Cameron. If I am to be included in such a category, surrounded by such fine Americans, then I am thus comforted.



Having made this clear, let me therefore apologize to all mankind. But wait, if I apologize to mankind, then women will be offended that I didn't apologize to womenkind. So you know what, screw it; I rescind my apology altogether; here's to another offensive year for everyone.

Cheers!

Dragons Part 10

Time to sit down, shut up, man up, and read this junk. If you even have a shred of intelligence and self respect you'll actually care about what I have to say. If not, well, you'll probably just go back to watching Antiques Roadshow reruns, eating fish and being a total loser like that guy from Lord of the Rings. What was his name? Orlando Bloom?

As you all know, I just love searching the web for useless and totally unprofessional websites that deal with dragons. I love dragons. They are woven into the silken fabric of my soul. Sometimes it makes me want to sing about them.

If you believed me just then you are an idiot. Dragons are amazing, yes; but let's not get carried away. Everybody knows only girls and theater geeks know how to sing. Unfortunately, some people actually do write poetry in honor of dragons. You can probably see where this is going. Follow this link if you want to wish the internet had never been created:

DRAGON WORLD

Now, if you're some emo dork with a guitar and you're thinking to yourself, "what's so bad about poetry? Poetry is the heart's most beautiful expression. Haiku's are like my bffs. lolz." you need to stop reading this blog, now. Not even I can help you. And everyone knows you can't play guitar.

At every turn I'm confronted by terrible, weird, teenage expressions like "knifing through the thermals" and "reaching for the yesterdays" and "the whispering fires" and even "the mists of time." What is this? The track listing of a talentless Scream-o band from Jersey?

Furthermore, the author insinuates that dragons lay eggs in the sand (see his wonderful poem "Hatchling" for details). But who ever said dragons lay their eggs in the sand? Most dragons don't even live near beaches, unless it is a naturally defended strand with cliffed surroundings, in which case they would lay their eggs in the natural protection of the cliffs themselves (compare to the habits of most cliff-dwelling eagles).

Let's observe some of this heinous junk:

Little dragon's tooth, Peaking through a crack, The shell is coming undone.

Nowadays it seems like you can assemble any mixture of words in any particular order, without any sort of pattern or rhyme scheme and call it "poetry." This website isn't so much poetry as it is sucky words that got put next to each other and then multiplied in suckiness. Also, "peeking" is spelled wrong, come on man.

And again:

With wings spread wide, Riding through the thermals, And those same leathery wings, Knifing into puffy clouds of purity.

What the frick is this crap? "Puffy clouds of purity?" This belongs on a long-forgotten episode of Rainbow Brite, not a dragon website, dang it.

In conclusion, I'd like to end with some "poetry" of my own. Eh hem...

Dragons are sweet,
Dragons are cool,
Painting your fingernails black
isn't. And you're just a tool.
Good Charlotte sucks.

One final word to emo kids: If this is your facebook profile pic, you have issues. But nobody actually wants to hear about them.

Dragons Part 9

Observe: Ulisse Aldrovandi.

To most people, this guy just looks pretty much like Copernicus or Galileo or someone who lived like forever ago and made some sort of discovery we take for granted today. To me, this guy not only lived forever ago, but he was also a giant douche pot. That's right, I said that; and no, I don't regret it; and no, I haven't been drinking.

Ulisse Aldrovandi (note his weird name), an Italian (note his weird country of origin), wrote the first book specifically on dragons in the "modern era." Whoever considers the year 1640 the "modern era" is an idiot, but regardless, he did publish a gay and useless book once upon a time entitled Historia serpentum et draconum ("Natural History of Serpents and Dragons").

Aldrovandi (note again his weird name) claimed to have been the first to "scientifically" diagram, accurately proportionate and definitively illustrate dragons text-book style. Here's what he came up with:
Really. Really? That's what you come up with? That is NOT a dragon, its just a FAT snake with stubby arms and a stupid head! That's really all it is. At the time of its publication, people hailed this as a brilliant discovery, and they said "Oh Ulisse! What a mean-looking dragon! You're a genius!" He's not a genius, and he couldn't even speak English. He was, possibly, the first real enemy of the beautiful, mystical world of dragon lore. Personally, I hate the guy.

Want more proof that this guy was a total blubber muffin? That should just about be evidence enough that this guy wasn't so much trying to realistically document dragons as he was designing early concepts for Star Wars: Episode VI.

I want to use this opportunity to make a point, that just because some guy from Italy wrote some book in some language like forever ago, doesn't mean that it's worth reading, or worth anything for that matter. I wish I could bring Aldrovandi back from the dead just so he could apologize to me for this crap and for all the stress I've had to deal with as a result of his dumb publication.

Is Aldrovandi really Italy's "Father of Zoology" as many scholars claim? Probably not; in reality, he was just another quack who lost his mind and died of dropsy.