People always send me emails asking me to talk about the dragons in Harry Potter. Don't you think I actually have better things to do? Don't you think I'd rather research the dietary habits of Serpentus copernalius? Don't you think I'd rather be investigating the rare nocturnal assuetude of the Lycus Valley Kwomywaith? Don't you think I'd rather be listening to the new Tony
Bennett "Duets II" album? If you thought I was serious on that last one you are an idiot. Tony Bennett sucks, but at least he doesn't have pink leopard print hair like some other bundt cakes I know.But fine. I'll give in. I'll talk about stupid Harry Potter and Luna Lovemunch and dumb ol' Barty Couch and Wormtongue McGee and whatever other gay characters J.K. Tolkien can come up with. Let's start in Book IV: "Harry Potter and the Gobbler of Fire" with two of the four dragons introduced in something or other called the "Tri-state-wizard Tournament:"
1. The "Swedish Short-Snout"
This dragon really sucks. EVERYONE knows drago
ns don't have short snouts! A dragon's snout is an important faculty and has a few functions. First, a dragon's sense of smell is aided by a long snout. Specialized olfactory receptor neurons line the nose; thus, a longer nose/snout gives a more keen sense of smell. Second, the actual tip of the snout is made of hard bone containing few to no sensory pain receptors (much like a human's chin). This makes it possible and painless for a dragon to stick their snout into a hole or cave in search of fleeing prey. It also gives them a longer reach when doing so.I'm trying to ignore it's fore-legs....but wait, it doesn't even have any. Two-legged dragons don't exist. But look the feet it does have! It looks like it has congenital club foot or something. Dragons are also unlike dogs in that they do not have a dewclaw. I will not however, debate the large, frontal horn located between the eyes- this could very well be possible for dragons, though I doubt it would be so short and stubby.
A final note about this dragon: Oddly enough, someone actually ends up fighting this dragon in the story. Who else could it be other than my good friend Rob Pattinson, or rather Cedric "The Hebrew Hammer" Diggory. I'm honestly surprised the dragon didn't just crap himself in hilarity when he saw the sparkly little schlemiel waving his gentle wand filled with unicorn hair. Expecto Patronum just isn't going to cut it, man.
AND I'm still bitter about how Diggory got himself killed and ruined the rest of my fantasy Quidditch season.
Overall rating: D+ (and that's even generous)
2. The "Chinese Fireball"
To be honest, it took me until the 17th chapter to realize that the "Chinese Fireball" was not in fact a reference to Cho Chang, but that it actually was a dragon. Now, I don't have a problem with this dragon's feet or it's snout, but I do have a problem with how skinny it is. This looks more like a bad model of Calista Flockhart than it does any dragon I can think of. Dragons are usually a bit heavier than this. Dragons from the Orient particularly tend to be of thicker bone structure because of the lush environment and presence of larger game. This "Fireball" should use its fire to light up a grill and actually eat something more than once in a portkey.Albeit, Victor Krum (despite his sucky name) does seem like a pretty tough guy. But put him in front of any dragon, at all, ever, and he would die. Did you hear that Krum? DIE.
Oliver Wood though, now he could take on a dragon.
Just kidding, loser.Overall rating: C
That'll about do it for part one. You can bet that I'll be writing more on this subject as long as the universe exists and people are still as ignorant as ever.
One final note: If you have any semblance of the human capacity to think, you will, unlike most tweenage girls and their moms, see Cedric "The Spider Monkey" Diggory for who he really is- just another prepubescent Hufflepuff with an initialed JanSport backpack.
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