The Dragons of Harry Potter Part 3

Well just dammit. Here I am again talking about how dumb and stupid Harry Potter is for its portrayal of dragons for the last effing time. Heaven knows I'd rather french kiss Hagrid in the Astronomy Tower than talk about this topic any further, but due to the overwhelming flood of owls I've received asking me to continue on with this crap, I'm pretty much obligated at this point.


5. The "Ukrainian Ironbelly"

I thought everyone knew that the belly of a dragon is its most sensitive area! Sometimes I forget that most people are really just dumb morons. Calling it an "Ironbelly" is a slight misappropriation of poetic freedom.

I also have to point out that the coloration of this dragon is more of what you might find north of Ukraine. Dragons native to the Carpathian Mountain Range are usually of brown or even yellowish/green/gray skin tone.

In the books, this dragon is the one that Harry, Her-mini-me and Ron ride on to escape some sort of danger or something. Cause that makes sense. Getting on the back of a dragon to avoid danger. Dragons aren't horses. You don't just saddle-up and go rodeo. The last known account of someone trying to actually ride a dragon dates back to 1780, when Kentigern Donnach, of Kilgarvan, Ireland, made a bet that he could remain mounted on the back of an Irish Niallghas for a complete 10 seconds. The entire village of Ballybunnion was in attendance to watch the feat. Kentigern made it all the way to the base of the dragon's cliff dwelling when his head was ripped so far off his body it was discovered three days later near Glenacarney, County Cork...40km and 2 counties southeast. (See map.)

And get this, in the books, this dragon is also said to be ALBINO. An albino dragon. Really. The day I see an albino dragon is the day I saw my own legs off with the Sword of Gryffindor.

All this says is that the "Ukrainian Ironbelly" is like a crap flavored bullion cube being added to an already-butt-flavored dump of stew.

Overall rating: F+ (the + being for some hint of effort)


6. "Norbert" (The "Norwegian Ridgeback")

I don't so much have a problem with the way this dragon looks. Its head is actually well proportioned. The coloration seems fairly accurate. Its wing structure is in close agreement with its body size. Its bi-functional forelegs/wings are a problem (see my previous blog post), but overall, I'm actually impressed with its appearance. (Although I practically dry heaved in my desk chair when I realized THIS is what the LEGO version of "Norbert" looks like.)

The problem I really do have with it is in regards to the fact that, in the books, this dragon is thought to be male when it hatches only later to be discovered as being female.

For those of you home-schooled idiots who have never taken anatomy and are clueless as to the obvious differences between males and females, let's shed some "lumos" on the fact that male and female dragons are so effing easy to tell apart. The explicit differences between male and female dragons is subject for another blog post, another day. All you need to know is that I'm PISSED. So shut up.

Overall rating: B


There you have it. That's my take on the dumb dragons of Harry Potter. But what makes me angrier than the improper portrayal of dragons in this series? It isn't when Hendwink dies. No, it's not Dobby the dipstick house elf. It's not even Robert Pattinson that makes me want to chunder this time. It's the fact that.......well....you know, on second thought it actually is Rob Pattinson.