The Dragons of Harry Potter Part 1

For all you gay Harry Potter nerds out there, you better get off your Nimbus 2000, read up and wise up.

People always send me emails asking me to talk about the dragons in Harry Potter. Don't you think I actually have better things to do? Don't you think I'd rather research the dietary habits of Serpentus copernalius? Don't you think I'd rather be investigating the rare nocturnal assuetude of the Lycus Valley Kwomywaith? Don't you think I'd rather be listening to the new Tony Bennett "Duets II" album? If you thought I was serious on that last one you are an idiot. Tony Bennett sucks, but at least he doesn't have pink leopard print hair like some other bundt cakes I know.

But fine. I'll give in. I'll talk about stupid Harry Potter and Luna Lovemunch and dumb ol' Barty Couch and Wormtongue McGee and whatever other gay characters J.K. Tolkien can come up with. Let's start in Book IV: "Harry Potter and the Gobbler of Fire" with two of the four dragons introduced in something or other called the "Tri-state-wizard Tournament:"

1. The "Swedish Short-Snout"
This dragon really sucks. EVERYONE knows dragons don't have short snouts! A dragon's snout is an important faculty and has a few functions. First, a dragon's sense of smell is aided by a long snout. Specialized olfactory receptor neurons line the nose; thus, a longer nose/snout gives a more keen sense of smell. Second, the actual tip of the snout is made of hard bone containing few to no sensory pain receptors (much like a human's chin). This makes it possible and painless for a dragon to stick their snout into a hole or cave in search of fleeing prey. It also gives them a longer reach when doing so.

I'm trying to ignore it's fore-legs....but wait, it doesn't even have any. Two-legged dragons don't exist. But look the feet it does have! It looks like it has congenital club foot or something. Dragons are also unlike dogs in that they do not have a dewclaw. I will not however, debate the large, frontal horn located between the eyes- this could very well be possible for dragons, though I doubt it would be so short and stubby.

A final note about this dragon: Oddly enough, someone actually ends up fighting this dragon in the story. Who else could it be other than my good friend Rob Pattinson, or rather Cedric "The Hebrew Hammer" Diggory. I'm honestly surprised the dragon didn't just crap himself in hilarity when he saw the sparkly little schlemiel waving his gentle wand filled with unicorn hair. Expecto Patronum just isn't going to cut it, man.

AND I'm still bitter about how Diggory got himself killed and ruined the rest of my fantasy Quidditch season.

Overall rating: D+ (and that's even generous)

2. The "Chinese Fireball"
To be honest, it took me until the 17th chapter to realize that the "Chinese Fireball" was not in fact a reference to Cho Chang, but that it actually was a dragon. Now, I don't have a problem with this dragon's feet or it's snout, but I do have a problem with how skinny it is. This looks more like a bad model of Calista Flockhart than it does any dragon I can think of. Dragons are usually a bit heavier than this. Dragons from the Orient particularly tend to be of thicker bone structure because of the lush environment and presence of larger game. This "Fireball" should use its fire to light up a grill and actually eat something more than once in a portkey.

Albeit, Victor Krum (despite his sucky name) does seem like a pretty tough guy. But put him in front of any dragon, at all, ever, and he would die. Did you hear that Krum? DIE.

Oliver Wood though, now he could take on a dragon. Just kidding, loser.

Overall rating: C

That'll about do it for part one. You can bet that I'll be writing more on this subject as long as the universe exists and people are still as ignorant as ever.

One final note: If you have any semblance of the human capacity to think, you will, unlike most tweenage girls and their moms, see Cedric "The Spider Monkey" Diggory for who he really is- just another prepubescent Hufflepuff with an initialed JanSport backpack.

Dragons Part 11

Okay, okay, I know I haven't exactly been up to speed on all this blogging B.S. like everyone else and their mother lately. But I have thus decided to forge through all the dumb emails that I get sent on a regular basis and keep writing! Lately, it's been (dumb) Rob Pattinson fans (losers) that have found the most offense in my writing. Therefore, allow me to preface this blog post by apologizing in advance to all mankind.

Now that all that gay, emotional crap is taken care of, it's time to rip into another crackle wagon's website:

The Reptilian Agenda

"The Reptilian Agenda." Yep, it's actually called that. Let's be honest, the only agenda this website is conveying is how humiliatingly stupid human beings can be.

Several historical issues came to my attention almost immediately. In documenting the History of Dragons, the author includes Hydras, Worms and Serpents. Though some serpentologists would argue for a pro-hydran evolutionary niche, it probably never existed. Certainly, the belief that their heads could multiply once severed-off is a result of an oral traditionary mythicism. (And for the record, the evidence of a multi-Homeric tradition carries far more weight than the solo-authorship view, nearly making the hydran theory almost conclusively unsupportable.)

I decided to see what else this blog is about, so I followed to main contents link and couldn't help but examine the "Reports of Experiences with Reptilian Entities" link. What even is a "reptilian entity?" I knew as soon as i followed the link that I had entered the domain of some X-files nerd who's obsessed with Roswell, government conspiracy theories, Area 51 and Steven King novels.

Basically, the most difficult thing about this website is just that there's too much to be angry about. The fact of the matter is that this website is just weird. The host advocates all sorts of insouciant books called "The Return of the Serpents of Wisdom" and "The Cloud Upon A Sanctuary" and "The Dragons of Eden." Let's be honest, I would rather watch Sex and the City reruns with my mom than read any of these books.

Aaaand this picture was on the website:














What's going on here? Evil bronco horse lord? Cave of Wonders? Legolas woman? If this picture alone is not enough to convince you about the illegitimacy of this website then sadly, you are already beyond any hope of human normalcy. Go back to watching Desperate Houswives. Loser.

I guess the toughest part of all of this is creating one final stereotype for the idiot responsible for this atrocious website. You see, when someone is from rural PA- I make fun of them for being a pantless redneck hillbilly who loves Dale Jr. When someone is from the south in general- I call them uncouth, uncivilized stupids. And when someone is foreign or from New Jersey- I make fun of their tan lines and bad genes.

But the guy who made this website...he's just a plain idiot, dang it.

Year in Review: People I've Offended

Since my last blog post, my inbox has been flooded with stupid emails telling me how "rude" I've been and how "harsh" my criticism of others can be. Some people didn't particularly like the poetry I shared in my last post, calling it "insensitive" and "crass." Albeit, it's not my best poetic work, but I won't take back anything I said about Good Charlotte.

Is this a fair assessment of my blog? I've thus decided to "christen" my blog's one year anniversary by taking a genuine look back at some of its major milestones and accomplishments. Take a journey back in time with me, and let's have a look.

Fig.1


It should be clear that overlapping does occur in Fig.1, and lines are often blurred between groups. In order to make this more clear, let's take a look at the numbers:

Fig.2


So, with this past year in perspective. Fig.2 makes it clear that I've offended quite a few more people than I initially projected, which is okay; it's been a rough fiscal year. I guess I underestimated how sensitive and touchy people can be. To further my point:

Fig.3


So yes, it is a fair assessment. The reason I'm not worried about all this criticism is the mere fact that, over the course of history, there have been numerous examples of people who have been hated for the message they preached. Take for example 50 Cent, Martin King Luther Jr, Roger Goodell, Michael Caine, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman, Ronaldinho, Abe Lincoln, Betsy Ross, Walt Disney, Billy Mays, God, and even James Cameron. If I am to be included in such a category, surrounded by such fine Americans, then I am thus comforted.



Having made this clear, let me therefore apologize to all mankind. But wait, if I apologize to mankind, then women will be offended that I didn't apologize to womenkind. So you know what, screw it; I rescind my apology altogether; here's to another offensive year for everyone.

Cheers!

Dragons Part 10

Time to sit down, shut up, man up, and read this junk. If you even have a shred of intelligence and self respect you'll actually care about what I have to say. If not, well, you'll probably just go back to watching Antiques Roadshow reruns, eating fish and being a total loser like that guy from Lord of the Rings. What was his name? Orlando Bloom?

As you all know, I just love searching the web for useless and totally unprofessional websites that deal with dragons. I love dragons. They are woven into the silken fabric of my soul. Sometimes it makes me want to sing about them.

If you believed me just then you are an idiot. Dragons are amazing, yes; but let's not get carried away. Everybody knows only girls and theater geeks know how to sing. Unfortunately, some people actually do write poetry in honor of dragons. You can probably see where this is going. Follow this link if you want to wish the internet had never been created:

DRAGON WORLD

Now, if you're some emo dork with a guitar and you're thinking to yourself, "what's so bad about poetry? Poetry is the heart's most beautiful expression. Haiku's are like my bffs. lolz." you need to stop reading this blog, now. Not even I can help you. And everyone knows you can't play guitar.

At every turn I'm confronted by terrible, weird, teenage expressions like "knifing through the thermals" and "reaching for the yesterdays" and "the whispering fires" and even "the mists of time." What is this? The track listing of a talentless Scream-o band from Jersey?

Furthermore, the author insinuates that dragons lay eggs in the sand (see his wonderful poem "Hatchling" for details). But who ever said dragons lay their eggs in the sand? Most dragons don't even live near beaches, unless it is a naturally defended strand with cliffed surroundings, in which case they would lay their eggs in the natural protection of the cliffs themselves (compare to the habits of most cliff-dwelling eagles).

Let's observe some of this heinous junk:

Little dragon's tooth, Peaking through a crack, The shell is coming undone.

Nowadays it seems like you can assemble any mixture of words in any particular order, without any sort of pattern or rhyme scheme and call it "poetry." This website isn't so much poetry as it is sucky words that got put next to each other and then multiplied in suckiness. Also, "peeking" is spelled wrong, come on man.

And again:

With wings spread wide, Riding through the thermals, And those same leathery wings, Knifing into puffy clouds of purity.

What the frick is this crap? "Puffy clouds of purity?" This belongs on a long-forgotten episode of Rainbow Brite, not a dragon website, dang it.

In conclusion, I'd like to end with some "poetry" of my own. Eh hem...

Dragons are sweet,
Dragons are cool,
Painting your fingernails black
isn't. And you're just a tool.
Good Charlotte sucks.

One final word to emo kids: If this is your facebook profile pic, you have issues. But nobody actually wants to hear about them.

Dragons Part 9

Observe: Ulisse Aldrovandi.

To most people, this guy just looks pretty much like Copernicus or Galileo or someone who lived like forever ago and made some sort of discovery we take for granted today. To me, this guy not only lived forever ago, but he was also a giant douche pot. That's right, I said that; and no, I don't regret it; and no, I haven't been drinking.

Ulisse Aldrovandi (note his weird name), an Italian (note his weird country of origin), wrote the first book specifically on dragons in the "modern era." Whoever considers the year 1640 the "modern era" is an idiot, but regardless, he did publish a gay and useless book once upon a time entitled Historia serpentum et draconum ("Natural History of Serpents and Dragons").

Aldrovandi (note again his weird name) claimed to have been the first to "scientifically" diagram, accurately proportionate and definitively illustrate dragons text-book style. Here's what he came up with:
Really. Really? That's what you come up with? That is NOT a dragon, its just a FAT snake with stubby arms and a stupid head! That's really all it is. At the time of its publication, people hailed this as a brilliant discovery, and they said "Oh Ulisse! What a mean-looking dragon! You're a genius!" He's not a genius, and he couldn't even speak English. He was, possibly, the first real enemy of the beautiful, mystical world of dragon lore. Personally, I hate the guy.

Want more proof that this guy was a total blubber muffin? That should just about be evidence enough that this guy wasn't so much trying to realistically document dragons as he was designing early concepts for Star Wars: Episode VI.

I want to use this opportunity to make a point, that just because some guy from Italy wrote some book in some language like forever ago, doesn't mean that it's worth reading, or worth anything for that matter. I wish I could bring Aldrovandi back from the dead just so he could apologize to me for this crap and for all the stress I've had to deal with as a result of his dumb publication.

Is Aldrovandi really Italy's "Father of Zoology" as many scholars claim? Probably not; in reality, he was just another quack who lost his mind and died of dropsy.