A Treatise On Smaug

A few weeks ago I finally mustered up the gall to watch Peter "Hobbit Hole" Jackson's hilariously awful rendition of "The Hobbit." Let me just say this: I have successfully avoided these piece-of-crap-cash-grab-movies for a long time, but because I got so many stupid emails from people telling me to "please comment on it," I figured I'd take a page out of Michael Bay's book and write something terrible and then pawn it off as passable. Also, mom had to cancel my AOL subscription, so stop emailing me.

I've said this before, but since Hollywood hasn't gotten the message yet, I guess I'm forced to reiterate it. Dragons don't live under mounds of gold. They don't hoard money so that they can feed their secret Louis Vuitton obsession the same way Johnny Depp does. Smaug appears to be a loose depiction of the South American Serpentus Tenonichtlicus, otherwise known by locals as "The High Dweller." They make their homes in the Andes, in hovels expertly created by mounding dirt and mud thickened with saliva. The walls of these shelters are compacted harder than cement, and dragons can construct them faster than a Habitat for Humanity weekend project.

The next thing that made me want to stab myself with a #2 pencil is his eyes. They're stupid. His pupils of course looks like the Eye of Mordor, but that's typically what happens when you're a director with no original ideas left. I get that Peter "Taco Nacho" Jackson was going for a big reveal when Smaug opens his eyes, but in reality, most dragons' eyes resemble that of the common collared lizard. Again, this was made way more complicated than it needs to be.

Why are his teeth so white? Maybe he has a tube of Colgate for Kids + Whitening somewhere in his lair.

And apparently Smaug is from England since he speaks with a British accent. This may come as a surprise, but dragons do not talk. Now, I have never been a fan of Benjamin Cumberdink, and in fact I've tried to get him evicted from his New Jersey apartment on numerous occasions, but this really boiled my chicken broth. Maybe next Smaug will want a cup of Earl Grey. Maybe he'll take a holiday to "foggy London town." Maybe he'll tell you how many kilometers-an-hour he can fly. How dumb. Also, Cumberbun's deep, bumbling, stupid voice nearly blew the cones on my computer speakers, so naturally, I'll be pissy 'til February. Thanks.

Then, Bilbo "Peter Jackson" Baggins actually tricks Smaug and steals some pointless stone from him. No, you can't trick dragons. They are incredibly intelligent, clever creatures who, historically, have adapted surprisingly well to the presence of humans. Maybe Peter "Prequel" Jackson will change this in what will inevitably be an exhausting and completely unnecessary 12-disc, 14-hour expanded edition. Can't wait!

But what really got me was this: Smaug is killed by one arrow. Yeah, one. Not that anyone working on this film has any experience actually fighting a dragon, but you should know that a dragon can't be killed by one arrow. If you tried to shoot a dragon with an arrow, like an idiot, it would literally do nothing other than buy you a one-way ticket down his gullet. This convenient plot device grossly misrepresents dragons' natural strength and tenacity.

On a much lighter and more positive note, I was glad to see Smaug kill a town full of people. I found this to be a very encouraging moment for me in a movie that was largely inaccurate.

Now, I realize this isn't all Peter "CGI" Jackson's fault. These movies are based on Tolkien's book after all...and hey, everyone makes mistakes. Unless you're Rob Pattinson, in which case, you've made a lot of them:

Overall grade: D

P.S. I entreat all filmmakers who wish to depict dragons in their films to please consult me before you begin filming. Unless you want your film to turn out like the mess that was "The Hobbit: A Series of Unfortunate Events," I strongly encourage you to take my advice to heart.

The Dragons of Game of Thrones

So everyone and their stoned neighbor has been watching HBO's Game of Thrones lately.  Despite the explicit content, unnecessary sex scenes, and misplaced castration jokes, it's actually a pretty good watch.  Even I'll admit I got through its three seasons faster than Rob Pattinson lost his acting career.

But enough with the stupid pleasantries.  Let's get down to what really matters: the dragons.  Yeah, there are dragons in Game of Thrones, and like every other dumb author these days, George R.R. Lucas has no idea what he's talking about.  If it's true that "a Lannister always pays his debts," then George, there's gonna be hell to pay for this one.

The first time we are introduced to just how wrong everything is is when we merely see the dragon eggs.  My Pacific Rim practically exploded when I caught a glimpse of these things...because they have scales on them.  Yeah, scales.  I guess some bundt munch concept designer thought that because dragons have scales, their eggs must have scales too, right?  Let me ask you: do birds lay feathery eggs?  Are fish eggs covered with fins and gills?  Does Kim Kardashian lay stupid eggs? (bad example) The point is that dragons don't lay scaly eggs.  Their eggs do have a very thick shell, and a rather thick embryonic membrane compared to other reptiles.  But no dumb scales.  NO.

The next thing that Nicholases my Cage is that the eggs hatch when they are placed in fire.  Again, another live-at-home HBO geek screenwriter probably said, "well hey, dragons, like, breathe fire and stuff, so I guess their eggs should, like, hatch out of fire or something.  Like, how cray cray would that be?!  Hey mom, toss me a hot pocket, bro!  Lolz!"  Hate to break it to you idiots, but the maternal incubation process is as common to dragons as it is to any other egg-laying animal.

And what's with baby dragons always looking like tiny lizards??  I've had it with this cute, cuddly, baby dragon B.S.  Baby dragons are not cute.  You can't cuddle with them.  They are born equipped to kill you.  The genus on record with the smallest known progeny is serpentus cosiriilis found near Modra, Slovakia.  Young can be 5ft. long at the time of hatching, and can weigh up to 300lbs.  The Middle English saying got it right: "So ever coddles wythe a dragynne, coddle he wythe his ende."

Next, the dragons begin to grow and are "harnessed" by some chick with a chain.  As if dragons can actually be "controlled" and "subdued" by people.  This is a major fallacy that began with that gay movie "How to Train Your Dragon." It seems to indicate that dragons are largely misunderstood creatures, and that they're actually tenderhearted and kind, and that you can keep them as pets, and work together as a team to save the day, high five!  I guarantee if that little girl got within 700 yards of a real dragon, she'd be going down his gullet faster than Sean Bean's head rolled off the chopping block.

So how do I wrap up this disaster?  Well, my girlfriend is always telling me to "Look for the good in things once in a while."  And while I pretty much hate positive thinking, and I spread cynicism on my Pillsbury Toaster Strudels every morning for breakfast, I guess I'll take her advice for once.

Really, the only good thing about the dragons in Game of Thrones is that they actually kill people.  Remember that scene from Harry Potter, where four dragons are placed in an arena surrounded by bleachers filled with 5,000 screaming idiot kids...and no one died?  The depiction of dragons in GoT is bad, but at least it's not that bad.  I gotta say I was happy to see even just one doof get torched in season three.

Overall score: C...for Cersei.

The Dragons of Harry Potter Part 3

Well just dammit. Here I am again talking about how dumb and stupid Harry Potter is for its portrayal of dragons for the last effing time. Heaven knows I'd rather french kiss Hagrid in the Astronomy Tower than talk about this topic any further, but due to the overwhelming flood of owls I've received asking me to continue on with this crap, I'm pretty much obligated at this point.


5. The "Ukrainian Ironbelly"

I thought everyone knew that the belly of a dragon is its most sensitive area! Sometimes I forget that most people are really just dumb morons. Calling it an "Ironbelly" is a slight misappropriation of poetic freedom.

I also have to point out that the coloration of this dragon is more of what you might find north of Ukraine. Dragons native to the Carpathian Mountain Range are usually of brown or even yellowish/green/gray skin tone.

In the books, this dragon is the one that Harry, Her-mini-me and Ron ride on to escape some sort of danger or something. Cause that makes sense. Getting on the back of a dragon to avoid danger. Dragons aren't horses. You don't just saddle-up and go rodeo. The last known account of someone trying to actually ride a dragon dates back to 1780, when Kentigern Donnach, of Kilgarvan, Ireland, made a bet that he could remain mounted on the back of an Irish Niallghas for a complete 10 seconds. The entire village of Ballybunnion was in attendance to watch the feat. Kentigern made it all the way to the base of the dragon's cliff dwelling when his head was ripped so far off his body it was discovered three days later near Glenacarney, County Cork...40km and 2 counties southeast. (See map.)

And get this, in the books, this dragon is also said to be ALBINO. An albino dragon. Really. The day I see an albino dragon is the day I saw my own legs off with the Sword of Gryffindor.

All this says is that the "Ukrainian Ironbelly" is like a crap flavored bullion cube being added to an already-butt-flavored dump of stew.

Overall rating: F+ (the + being for some hint of effort)


6. "Norbert" (The "Norwegian Ridgeback")

I don't so much have a problem with the way this dragon looks. Its head is actually well proportioned. The coloration seems fairly accurate. Its wing structure is in close agreement with its body size. Its bi-functional forelegs/wings are a problem (see my previous blog post), but overall, I'm actually impressed with its appearance. (Although I practically dry heaved in my desk chair when I realized THIS is what the LEGO version of "Norbert" looks like.)

The problem I really do have with it is in regards to the fact that, in the books, this dragon is thought to be male when it hatches only later to be discovered as being female.

For those of you home-schooled idiots who have never taken anatomy and are clueless as to the obvious differences between males and females, let's shed some "lumos" on the fact that male and female dragons are so effing easy to tell apart. The explicit differences between male and female dragons is subject for another blog post, another day. All you need to know is that I'm PISSED. So shut up.

Overall rating: B


There you have it. That's my take on the dumb dragons of Harry Potter. But what makes me angrier than the improper portrayal of dragons in this series? It isn't when Hendwink dies. No, it's not Dobby the dipstick house elf. It's not even Robert Pattinson that makes me want to chunder this time. It's the fact that.......well....you know, on second thought it actually is Rob Pattinson.

The Dragons of Harry Potter Part 2

Listen up you dumb morons. I haven't written in quite some time because I have a girlfriend now. I know, it's hard to believe a dragon-enthusiast like myself can actually even relate with members of the opposite sex, but it can sometimes happen. So while I've spent a lot of time shopping at DSW, attending Mary Kay parties, and watching movies with Hugh Grant in them, I've still managed to dedicate some of my hours to researching beloved dragons.

Unfortunately for me, the time I spend researching dragons looks more like devoting myself to tarring and feathering more abhorrent use of dragon imagery in popular culture than it does actually doing research. Honestly Harry! I've been moaning worse than Myrtle writing this blog the past few weeks. Let's (reluctantly) pick up where we left off...

3. The "Common Welsh Green"

Based on similar skull structures, dual cranial horns and maybe its coloration, I think the dragon they were probably trying to convey is Serpentus eminalius (also known as the Highland Horned Serpent). Everyone knows this dragon is way out of proportion though. Its wings are far too small. In fact, the wingspan of the Highland Horned Serpent has been known to reach over 60 feet! Its hind quarters are also too skinny. And based on some negative feedback I received in my last blog, I won't make any more references to Calista Flockhart. But seriously, this dragon is more gaunt than Professor McGonagall in an oversized Hogwarts robe.

Calling it a "common" dragon is also a little misleading. There certainly was a time when dragons were far more globally abundant; but events in the past 1200 years in particular have diminished their numbers dramatically. (The major event being the "Little Ice Age" which roughly lasted from 1560-1855CE. Individually significant drops in global atmospheric temperature, particularly that of 1650 and 1770, contributed heavily to a worldwide population decrease.)

*The argument that I propose against its name is really only a matter of semantics. Therefore the rating I unleash on this piece of crap is based on its visual portrayal alone.

Overall rating: B-


4. The "Hungarian Horntail"

I nearly whomped my willow when I saw this POS on the big screen. Where is its forelegs? There seems to be this growing trend in the scholarly world of dragon research (headed by Lionel Mischke of UNI) that teaches that dragons use their wings bi-functionally- that is, both as wings and as forelegs. Dragons are NOT birds. They ALWAYS have two sets of legs and one pair of wings. Fossil, bone and faunal evidence has NEVER corroborated the idea that dragons lacked forelegs.

I was (amazingly) surprised that the movie-makers managed to depict this dragon's fire-breathing capability rather accurately in that fire is dispensed by means of two glands in a dragon's mouth. The fire that dragons emit does not however, come from the back of the throat, as often believed. The horns that line the dragon's neck are also slightly far-fetched. Even Rita Skeeter knows that you idiot.

Overall rating: C-


The thing that kills me about this whole portrayal of dragons in Harry Potter is that dragons are meant to look "beatable." As if they can be defeated. As if a bumbling, 13-year old, broom-straddling bundt munch is actually going to outwit a dragon. I'd rather choke on a chocolate frog than think about this subject any more.

**If you haven't read the books let me just spoil it for you and get it over with: Gandalf is gay, Neville dies and Bruce Willis is dead the whole time. Spoiler alert, you dimbos. The end.

The Dragons of Harry Potter Part 1

For all you gay Harry Potter nerds out there, you better get off your Nimbus 2000, read up and wise up.

People always send me emails asking me to talk about the dragons in Harry Potter. Don't you think I actually have better things to do? Don't you think I'd rather research the dietary habits of Serpentus copernalius? Don't you think I'd rather be investigating the rare nocturnal assuetude of the Lycus Valley Kwomywaith? Don't you think I'd rather be listening to the new Tony Bennett "Duets II" album? If you thought I was serious on that last one you are an idiot. Tony Bennett sucks, but at least he doesn't have pink leopard print hair like some other bundt cakes I know.

But fine. I'll give in. I'll talk about stupid Harry Potter and Luna Lovemunch and dumb ol' Barty Couch and Wormtongue McGee and whatever other gay characters J.K. Tolkien can come up with. Let's start in Book IV: "Harry Potter and the Gobbler of Fire" with two of the four dragons introduced in something or other called the "Tri-state-wizard Tournament:"

1. The "Swedish Short-Snout"
This dragon really sucks. EVERYONE knows dragons don't have short snouts! A dragon's snout is an important faculty and has a few functions. First, a dragon's sense of smell is aided by a long snout. Specialized olfactory receptor neurons line the nose; thus, a longer nose/snout gives a more keen sense of smell. Second, the actual tip of the snout is made of hard bone containing few to no sensory pain receptors (much like a human's chin). This makes it possible and painless for a dragon to stick their snout into a hole or cave in search of fleeing prey. It also gives them a longer reach when doing so.

I'm trying to ignore it's fore-legs....but wait, it doesn't even have any. Two-legged dragons don't exist. But look the feet it does have! It looks like it has congenital club foot or something. Dragons are also unlike dogs in that they do not have a dewclaw. I will not however, debate the large, frontal horn located between the eyes- this could very well be possible for dragons, though I doubt it would be so short and stubby.

A final note about this dragon: Oddly enough, someone actually ends up fighting this dragon in the story. Who else could it be other than my good friend Rob Pattinson, or rather Cedric "The Hebrew Hammer" Diggory. I'm honestly surprised the dragon didn't just crap himself in hilarity when he saw the sparkly little schlemiel waving his gentle wand filled with unicorn hair. Expecto Patronum just isn't going to cut it, man.

AND I'm still bitter about how Diggory got himself killed and ruined the rest of my fantasy Quidditch season.

Overall rating: D+ (and that's even generous)

2. The "Chinese Fireball"
To be honest, it took me until the 17th chapter to realize that the "Chinese Fireball" was not in fact a reference to Cho Chang, but that it actually was a dragon. Now, I don't have a problem with this dragon's feet or it's snout, but I do have a problem with how skinny it is. This looks more like a bad model of Calista Flockhart than it does any dragon I can think of. Dragons are usually a bit heavier than this. Dragons from the Orient particularly tend to be of thicker bone structure because of the lush environment and presence of larger game. This "Fireball" should use its fire to light up a grill and actually eat something more than once in a portkey.

Albeit, Victor Krum (despite his sucky name) does seem like a pretty tough guy. But put him in front of any dragon, at all, ever, and he would die. Did you hear that Krum? DIE.

Oliver Wood though, now he could take on a dragon. Just kidding, loser.

Overall rating: C

That'll about do it for part one. You can bet that I'll be writing more on this subject as long as the universe exists and people are still as ignorant as ever.

One final note: If you have any semblance of the human capacity to think, you will, unlike most tweenage girls and their moms, see Cedric "The Spider Monkey" Diggory for who he really is- just another prepubescent Hufflepuff with an initialed JanSport backpack.

Dragons Part 11

Okay, okay, I know I haven't exactly been up to speed on all this blogging B.S. like everyone else and their mother lately. But I have thus decided to forge through all the dumb emails that I get sent on a regular basis and keep writing! Lately, it's been (dumb) Rob Pattinson fans (losers) that have found the most offense in my writing. Therefore, allow me to preface this blog post by apologizing in advance to all mankind.

Now that all that gay, emotional crap is taken care of, it's time to rip into another crackle wagon's website:

The Reptilian Agenda

"The Reptilian Agenda." Yep, it's actually called that. Let's be honest, the only agenda this website is conveying is how humiliatingly stupid human beings can be.

Several historical issues came to my attention almost immediately. In documenting the History of Dragons, the author includes Hydras, Worms and Serpents. Though some serpentologists would argue for a pro-hydran evolutionary niche, it probably never existed. Certainly, the belief that their heads could multiply once severed-off is a result of an oral traditionary mythicism. (And for the record, the evidence of a multi-Homeric tradition carries far more weight than the solo-authorship view, nearly making the hydran theory almost conclusively unsupportable.)

I decided to see what else this blog is about, so I followed to main contents link and couldn't help but examine the "Reports of Experiences with Reptilian Entities" link. What even is a "reptilian entity?" I knew as soon as i followed the link that I had entered the domain of some X-files nerd who's obsessed with Roswell, government conspiracy theories, Area 51 and Steven King novels.

Basically, the most difficult thing about this website is just that there's too much to be angry about. The fact of the matter is that this website is just weird. The host advocates all sorts of insouciant books called "The Return of the Serpents of Wisdom" and "The Cloud Upon A Sanctuary" and "The Dragons of Eden." Let's be honest, I would rather watch Sex and the City reruns with my mom than read any of these books.

Aaaand this picture was on the website:














What's going on here? Evil bronco horse lord? Cave of Wonders? Legolas woman? If this picture alone is not enough to convince you about the illegitimacy of this website then sadly, you are already beyond any hope of human normalcy. Go back to watching Desperate Houswives. Loser.

I guess the toughest part of all of this is creating one final stereotype for the idiot responsible for this atrocious website. You see, when someone is from rural PA- I make fun of them for being a pantless redneck hillbilly who loves Dale Jr. When someone is from the south in general- I call them uncouth, uncivilized stupids. And when someone is foreign or from New Jersey- I make fun of their tan lines and bad genes.

But the guy who made this website...he's just a plain idiot, dang it.

Year in Review: People I've Offended

Since my last blog post, my inbox has been flooded with stupid emails telling me how "rude" I've been and how "harsh" my criticism of others can be. Some people didn't particularly like the poetry I shared in my last post, calling it "insensitive" and "crass." Albeit, it's not my best poetic work, but I won't take back anything I said about Good Charlotte.

Is this a fair assessment of my blog? I've thus decided to "christen" my blog's one year anniversary by taking a genuine look back at some of its major milestones and accomplishments. Take a journey back in time with me, and let's have a look.

Fig.1


It should be clear that overlapping does occur in Fig.1, and lines are often blurred between groups. In order to make this more clear, let's take a look at the numbers:

Fig.2


So, with this past year in perspective. Fig.2 makes it clear that I've offended quite a few more people than I initially projected, which is okay; it's been a rough fiscal year. I guess I underestimated how sensitive and touchy people can be. To further my point:

Fig.3


So yes, it is a fair assessment. The reason I'm not worried about all this criticism is the mere fact that, over the course of history, there have been numerous examples of people who have been hated for the message they preached. Take for example 50 Cent, Martin King Luther Jr, Roger Goodell, Michael Caine, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman, Ronaldinho, Abe Lincoln, Betsy Ross, Walt Disney, Billy Mays, God, and even James Cameron. If I am to be included in such a category, surrounded by such fine Americans, then I am thus comforted.



Having made this clear, let me therefore apologize to all mankind. But wait, if I apologize to mankind, then women will be offended that I didn't apologize to womenkind. So you know what, screw it; I rescind my apology altogether; here's to another offensive year for everyone.

Cheers!